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HUSBAND os. WIFE; 



Nobody to Blame. 







w 



HUSBAND " WIFE 






W D \. il 

ITH ESIGNS BY . , OPPIN 
(IUustraior of "Nothing 10 Wear."; 




N Y 

N EW- 1 ORK : 



" UDD & *• ARLETON, 3IO ROADWAY 



M.DCCC.LVIII. 









Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1S57, by 

EUDD & CAIILETOX, 

in tbe Clerk's Oflice of tbe District Court of the United States for the Southern 
District of New York. 



R. Craighead, C. A. Alvord, 

I£Irctrotyprr. printer. 



ROLOGUE. 



:o: 



BEL McADAM— may his 

tribe increafe ! — 
Awoke one night from a 

deep dream of peace, 
And faw, within the gaf- 

light of his room, 
A female fpirit (dreffed up h la Rloom- 
Er), writing fomething in a book of gold. 
Exceeding drink had made McAdam bold, 
And to the prefence in the room he faid, 
w ' What writeft, dear ?" The fpirit raifed its head. 




Prologue. 

And with a voice like that of cooing dove, 
Murmured : " The names of men whom icomen 

lover 
" And is mine one ?" afked Abel. " No, lir-ee,'' 
Replied the fpirit. Abel roared with glee, 
Then coolly laid : " Sweet fprite, write me as one 
Who ne'er finds fault with what a woman's done." 
The Bloomer wrote and vanilhed ; but the next 

night 
It came again with a great wakening light, 
And fhowed the names by love of woman bleifed. 
When, lo! MeAdamh- name led all tlie rest ! 



Canto First. 







gS^pC^ V 



HUSBAND vs. WIFE 



Apropos of tli( 

bis wife 
findeth fault, 



W¥°¥^^ KAY whose is the fault," inquired Pi 



SilA Si Iittle Dolt ' 



u 



sli £ SR Of Ma'am Dorothy Ditto, as she passe 



JOS- 



him the salt, 



"Pray whose is the fault, 
That nothing whatever comes on to this cloth, 
From a canvass-back duck to a basin of broth, 
But it's spoiled in the cooking? To scold I am loth, 
And in fact, as you know, ma'am, I never get wroth, 

(Oil, confound that salt, 

I've taken too much,) 
9 



Husband vs. Wife. 

But you'll find, Mrs. Dolt, 
You reckon too much 
On my patience, if these things are long to continue, 
For it's hard, after straining each nerve and each sinew- 
To raise money enough to make both the ends meet, 
To find one end is bone, and the other not sweet, 
While, though lack, dear, of spice is by no means your fault, 
I'm e'en put on allowance of pepper and salt." 



Madam Dolt to slack np biiifl 
her husband whose back up 
she says lie's e'er getting auu 
forever fretting about nothing 
whatever and threatening to 
sever the tie that forever 
should bidd them together In 
all sorU of weather 




10 



Husband m Wife, 

" Now, Doolittle, pray do shut up : 
We never to dine or to sup, 
Or to have a good chat in the evening sit down. 
But your face, once so handsome, is spoiled by a frown, 
While your back it goes up, and your foot it goes down, 
And at once you proceed to get up a great row, Sir, 
(Don't say that you don't, for you're doing it now, sir,) 

And to scold till you're hoarse, 

And e'en threaten divorce, 
When you know that you took me for better or worse/' 
(Yes, and got much the worst of it, but that is of course 

"And unless, Mr. Dolt, 
You stop finding fault, 
I'll but no matter, please hand back the salt." 



11 



Husband vs. Wife. 



Mr. Dolt asks permission t>> 
speak but derision alone he 
encounters so be falters and 
flounders and instead of a 
blessing receives agood drcss- 




" With pleasure, Ma'am Dolt, 
And now pray permit me — ' 



" Not a word, sir, unless 



Of blame you acquit me, 
And give up, (why, bless me, you've used all the salt,) 



This ridiculous business of e'er finding fault. 



" But allow me, good madam, 
12 



Husband vs. Wife. 

Ever since those two fussy Frenen servants we've had 'em, 
Everything in this house lias — " 

"Dear sir, you are a mad man, 
And I pray you at once just to bridle your tongue, 
Or at least to stop singing that dolorous son<j-, 
Which grates worse on my ear than a sonorous gong, 
That whatever goes on in this house is all wrong. 
Why, whene'er you discover a fault or a flaw. 
According to your notions of order and law, 

You hem and haw, 

And croak and caw," 

(Why not say jaw ?) 

" When you know that to please you I do, sir, my best, 

And from morning to night have no leisure nor rest. 

13 



Husband vs. Wife. 

And in fact hardly ever have time to get dressed," 

(Od's death, 
When a woman gets going- she never takes breath) 

"Before home you come 
All sober and glum, 
To grumble and scold at whate'er you can name, 
And keep on exclaiming, 'for shame, dear! for shame!' 
When you ought to relinquish this silly old game 

Of finding fault, 
Since things all go on, sir, exactly the same," 

(By jingo, that's true,) 
u For the very good reason, so well known to you, 

That there's no one to blame, 

Mr. Dolt, 

No one to blame." 
14 



Husband w. Wife, 




Mr. Dolt In a windy »poech 
hia vindi-cation sets forth far 
what it ia worth excusing bU 
wife (who's the pride of hi.-, 
iifo) but laying strops all tho 
samo on tho fact that to blarao 
some one surely must be for 
weak coffee and tea etc and 
ho grown mad and moody 
has a CJng at uobody. 



Now, with all the virtuous indignation 
< )f a guilty man, his vindication 



Poor Dolt lie began, 



And knowing, as who does not ? that flattery 



Is the very best weapon with which the battery 

Of a woman to an- 

Swer, proceeded thus ; " My dearest Dorothy, 

(You see I'm not wrothy), 
15 



Husband vs. Wife. 

Though I've travelled the world o'er from Dan to Beersheba, 

Not a woman I know, dear, no matter how fair she be," 

(Here a fib, of course, 

But the truth would embarrass one,) 

"Whose goodness with yours 

Will at all bear comparison, 

While your sex, (and, my love, I admit that your sex it is, 

That soothes and sustains us in all our perplexities,) 

Would crown you at once, dear, at any fair tournament, 

Its proud queen of beaut}', its pride and its ornament. 

Thus, you see, Madam Dolt," 

(Though twas plain that she didn't, for a certain sly toss of her 

Head, showed that she saw he was playing philosopher,) 

" That in you not a fault, 

Nor a flaw do I find, 
16 



Husband vs. Wife. 

Though you call me a monster and say I'm unkind 
For since you're a woman, 

Though e'en women are human, 
(Zounds ! as I am a true man, 
I've drunk too much wine,) 
Of course you're a seraph, an angel, in tine, 
Of course you're divine; 




After this bit of flattery ho 
opens hid battery or tit-for- 
tattery and seta forth in do- 
tail with a dolorous wail a 
iist of his grievances which 
ho vows by heaven it U non- 
tsenao to claim should m&ot 
with no blame. 



So on that point I pray you to be at your ease, 

17 



Husband v& Wife. 

(That is, if you please,) 
While I go on to say, 
In my own quiet way, 
That when half the time, love, our meals are all spoiled, 
When the lamb is half roasted, the mutton half boiled, 
When the coffee is weak, 

And the butter is strong, 
And the silver is short, 

And the service is long ; 
When the milk is all sour, 
And the vinegar sweet, 
And nought in the cup- 
Board is lit to eat. 
When the door-plate is dirty, the entry unswept, 

And it's plain that the dogs in the parlor have slept, 

18 



Husband vs. Wife. 

When the buttons like acorns drop off from my shirt, 

(An indelicate word, 
But when a man's hurt, 

The first one that comes, 
Right out he will blurt,) 
When there are holes in my stocking as big as my heel, 
(' The old stockings be darn'd, sir !' say you : Gad, I feel — 

Though I hardly dare utter the same,) 
When these things are so, love, no others to name, 

It's as certain as salt is salt, 
That to say that there's no one at all, dear, to blame. 
Is all nonsense or, which just amounts to the same, 

All gammon, Dorothy Dolt." 



19 



Husband vs. Wife, 



Madam Dolt gets vorbosa 
and at Doolittle goes at least 
all she knows until not to 
ape her scolding the capoia 
ho orders and the papers 
(which the poet describes in 
vile diatribes) when at once 
Mrs. Dolt calls again for the 
salt and resolved to be heard 
has b.or woman's last word. 




It was now Dorothy's turn, 

And she poured out such volleys 

Of' satire and wit 

Against husbands 1 follies, 

And against men in general, who are all just the same, 

(So, at least, she thinks,) 

And find fault when they know that there's no one to blame 

(O, the terrible minx !) 
20 



Husband vs. Wife. 

Their wives least of all, 

That Doe-little's gall 

Was a-rising fast, 

Bat reflecting at last, 

That one might just as well 
Hope, by striking, the ding to get out of a bell, 
As a woman, by answering, to silence or quell, 

lie resolved then and there 
The disputation 

To end ; so with air 

Of desperation, 

lie requested the servant to hand him the capers, 

(They had mutton for dinner,) and the evening papers, 

Which just then had come in overrunning with news, 

As usual, of murders, and outbreaks, and stews, 

21 



Husband v$. Wife 

Of shipwrecks and failures, 
(Great fun for the Jews) 
Of riotous women 

And mutinous crews, 
Of elopements, seductions, 
Or whatever you choose, 
Ail dressed up our dear children and wives to amuse, 
As he told Madam Dolt, 
Who again passed the salt, 
Just to turn his attention once more to the dinner, 
And have her last word : " .or as I am a sinner," 
Said he, " in our quarrels my wife's e'er the winner, 

And whene'er I find fault 
With no matter what (I confess it with shame), 

Makes me own in the end that there's nobody to blame, 

22 



Husband vs. Wife, 



Nobody to blame." 



mJm 




Mr. Dolt a p3thetlc and 
highly esthetic address make* 
to Nobody asMirin;; that hIow 
body he has much to answer 
/or etc. and so forth. 



" Nobody ! Nobody ! how much you've to answer for," 
feaid Dolt, as his darling just then took her fan, sir, for 
The purpose of cooling her wrath, 
Which required, at the least, a cold bath 
To dispel and 
Subdue, 

" If my children went ragged as some children do, 

23 



Husband ve. Wife. 

(Hear them yell and 

Boolioo !) 
While their mothers are working for Timbuctoo, 
Or the babes in New Zealand, 
Or Kalamazoo ; 
Or if ne'er a whole shirt I could boast for my back, or 
There wasn't so much in the house as a cracker 
To cat, 
'Twould be just the same, 
(Don't you see 't I) 
And no matter whatever the fault I might name, 
The answer'd be rcadv of" Nobody to blame." 



If the china is broken, 

Nobody broke it, 
24 



Husband vs-. Wife. 

If the silver is taken, 

Nobody took it, 
If the claret is muddy, 

Nobody shook it. 
If the gas burns till day-light, 

Nobody lit it, 
If the dog's ear is cloven, 

Nobody slit it, 
And whatever the mischief, 

Nobody did it ; 
Thus it's nobody, nobody, all the day long, 
For, whatever is done, there is nobody wrong; 



And when 'neath the sod, I 

Am laid, my poor body, 
25 



Husband vs. Wife. 

I tear me, will hear 
The same old melody, 
(Though that's not the name) 

Year after year, 
Of nobody to blame, 

Nobody to blame. 



2fi 



Canto Second. 



Mr. D< 
which it's pretty sure you'll 
find miscellaneous and a state- 
ment extraneous of awful dis- 
asters to ships and shipmas- 
ters to railroads and sich 
for any of which ho Dolt 
thinks it shame the owners to 
blame. 



, ■".• . 






i 






OW by fate or good fortune, 
Our Dolt was an owner 



Ln one or two steamships. 

Besides a fine schooner, 

Two flat-boats, a church, 

A new magazine, 

(For making gunpowder) 

A sewing machine, 

A steam-reaping ditto, 

(They two went together) 

And a bran new mosquito- 
29 



Husband vs. Wife. 

Net made for cold weather, 
Not to mention here several neuralgiac potions, 
And some twenty or thirty new Yankeefied notions, 
From a fine-toothed saw-mill to a three-leg-ged bedstead. 
In which his earthly all was invested. 



Well, it now and then happened. 

And sometimes oftener, 
That before one had time 

To order his coffin, or 
Make his last will, 

On one of his steamers, 
Which (see large bill) 

Are all of them screamers, 

Some unlucky flue or unluckier boiler 

80 



Husband vs. Wife. 



Would explode, and at once the man's mortal old coil, or 



Whatever you call it, right oft' him was shaken 



With no ghost of a chance, sir, to save his clear bacon : 

Or perhaps another oh some ship went to wreck, or 

Was killed on a road in which Dolt was director, 

Or lost his dear life in some patent machine, 

Owned by Dolt, and in which, just because he was green, 

He got tangled, and never thereafter was seen. 




An improper sneer that 
ought not to be here at the 
meddling journals for their 
stories diurnal of awful cata- 
strophes (see the last strophes) 
that happen each day and 
which ho ventures to 6ay 
They print 'cause- 'twill pny. 



Husband vs. Wife. 

Now in all such cases the impertinent papers, 

(Called the lights of the age, though they're nothing but taper: 

Come right out the next clay, 

Just because it will pay, 
And publish at length all the frightful details, 

With most piteous comments, 

Setting forth all the torments 
The editor feels in recording such tales, 

(Though when there's a lack of 'em, 

He prints a whole pack of 'em 

Of his own invention) 
And praying the mayor, without any detention, 
An inquest to order, in humanity's name, 
To find out, if it may be, who the deuce is to blame. 



Husband vs. Wife 




Tlie author states with great 
Innocence a curious coinci- 
dence and proceeds to show 
that if winds will blow and 
destroy good ships and their 
fame eclipse it's by no means 
the fault of Doolittle Dolt. 



Now— only to think of it!— the very same day 
Mr. Dolt and his wife had the little affray 
Above recorded, news came of the wreck 

( )f one of his ships 

(That splendid three deck- 

Er, the " Apocalypse ") 

On the banks of Newfoundland — how came she there? 

On her way, — I've forgotten this moment from where- 
n* 33 



Husband vs. Wife. 

In a furious gale, 
Which caused her to leak (although five years since caulked 

As tight as a whale), 
While all efforts to free her were constantly baulked, 

— So, at least, went the tale — 
I>ecause (although how should the owners e'er know it, 
Or in case that they did know, how foolish to blow it), 
N T <>t a pump on her deck could the captain make go, 

And so 
The ship she went down, as the best ships will do, 
With two thirds of her passengers and most of her crew. 



84- 



Husband vs. Wife. 




How Mrs. r> 

: 

hat it's plain that ii" 
holdfaull 
famed when his s 



Now, Ma'am Dolt, when this story her husband he read it her 

With the comments of the very belligerent editor, 

Made an awful ado, 

Just because he insisted (and you'd do it, too), 

That a certain wise person, and he could tell who, 

Could and would certify in the owner's own name. 

That say what the world might, there was no one to blame. 

"No one to blame,' 1 cried she, "that's of course, 

35 



Husband vs. Wife. 

Because you arc the owner ; but whether is worse, 

Mr. Doolittle Dolt, 

For me, sir, to say 

On some unlucky clay, 

When there's not enough salt 
In the soup, 
< )r the stoop 
Is not clean, or your shirt has a button oil", 
< h the dog has just carried a nice shoulder of mutton off, 

That there's no one to blame, 

Or for you to say the same, 
Now a ship with her crew to the bottom has sunk, 
Because furnished much worse than a Chinese junk, 

(Which at least has pumps, 

Though her masts are stumps,) 
36 



Husband «& Wife. 

When, to say it, I'm bold, sir, 
If fitted and rigged as she ought to have been, 
It's as certain as life, that no water had been 

Very long in her hold, sir, 
While the furious tempest she then might have weathered, 

Easy and tree, 
And round their dear homesteads that crew had been gathered 

Now drowned in the sea." 




Phe apostrophizes the men 
at this crisis and growing 
quite humdrum propounds a 
conundrum or riddle or what 
not and asks if we ought not 
to solve it before complaints 
any more we lay at her door. 



37 



Husband vs. Wife. 

" O you men ! you men I who are always so cruel. 
To us women to whom you preach up what a jewel 

Consistency is, 

Pray unriddle me this, 

How is it you still declaim 
'Gainst your wives and your daughters the weary day long 

And our sex defame, 
As if woman were guilty for all that goes wrong 

(E'en your own eccentricities ; 

For vexed men's bliss it is 
To lay upon us, just as though we were Atlases, 
The fault of their blunders, their sins, and rascalities,) 

How is it our shame 

You still will proclaim 

While the dreary old strain you forever prolong, 

08 



Husband vs. Wife, 



That with you naught is wrong, 
But that for all the disasters and follies and crimes 
That dishonor your sex in these much boasted times 
Of Reform and what not, 

There's no one to blame, 
One tittle or jot, 
No one to blame." 




Mr. Dolt here admits (for ho 
has candid fits) that Ids wife 
has the best of it an^ saya 
many a test of it he 
give but he don't or else 
won't and insists that when 
men fight their wives, it is 
plain they always pay dear 
and get a flea in their ear. 



Didn't I tell you," said Dolt, "that my wife had the best of it 
39 



Husband vs. Wife. 

In every quarrel I 
] might furnish you many another good test of it, 

Nay, what's more I'll 
Engage (for it's clear that the women all fool ye), 
That my case is in no way whatever peculiar, 

But that in all this metropolis. 

Among gentry or populace. 
There's never a man with his wife tries his wits r 
But he's ever the first in the end to cry quits." 



True, men rarely give up, 
Vet that night when at sup, 

(They had their evening confection late) 

Says Dolt, in a tone affectionate : 

i'.My dear angel, 1 think it most clear that to-night 

40 



Husband vs. Wife. 

We both have been wrong, yes, and both have been right. 

And if you who good sense have so often exhibited, 

Will admit—" 

But she kissed him right there and admitted it, 

And the subject at once they both cheerfully quitted it, 

They hoped once for all, 
And then wound up a quarrel by good manners prohibited, 

With the following: Moral : 



That as nearly all men, not to stretch it, are mortal, 

And nearly all women, beg pardon, the same, 

And we are more or less likely, it seems, to be caught all, 

In doing things justly entitled to blame, 

It follows that each, at his matins and vespers, is 

41 



Husband m Wife. 

Bound to acknowledge not your but his trespasses, 

And that e'en in the matter of Dolt vs. Dolt, 

It's their own private business, sir, 

Whose is the fault. 



4-2 



Epilogue. 




F#" F the wed reader thinks I'm 
wed, 
Or if the pecked think I 
am pecked, 

SjH^^gji: They know not well the 
ftf^ff f^ffff^lfl iubtle head 

That fliuns the rock where they are wrecked. 



Single or not to me is near, 

Hymen and low men are the same, 
The vanifhed loves to me appear, 

And one to me are maid and dame. 

43' 



Epilog 



ue. 



They reckon ill who feek me out ; 

When me they court, I take my wings, 
I am the flirter and the flirt, 

And I the fong that Ccelebs lings. 

The old maids pine for my abode, 
And pine in vain the facred Three ; 

But thou, meek lover of the good, 
Read this, and give thy heart to me. 



44 



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Full Page Engravings, 

from original designs, upon wood, illustrative of objects of historical 
interest, together with such pictures of the life and manners at the present 
day as will make for the reader altogether the 

Handsomest Book of Travel 

ever published in this country. 

Sold by all Booksellers in the United States. 

Copies of this book will be sent by mail, postage paid, to any part of the 
United States, on receipt of the price, $1 50. 

Rudd & Carleton, 

Publishers and Booksellers, 

310 Broadicay, N. Y. 

C 32 89 -*U 







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